Confessions of a Non-Believer
As an Atheist, there are a lot of things that one does not even bother to question. Evolution seems to be the answer. As confusing as it may be, this blog is going to be different in the sense that as some may know, it is more common currently for religious people to ditch their faith, stop believing and see the light and truth that science exposes.
I saw the light somewhere else.
I started dating an academic, grounded and humble young man, whom was unlike any previous partner of mine, as we bonded on an intellectual level exceedingly rapidly. We discussed multiple topics on our first date, varying from simple personal preferences and opinions, to more advanced conversations such as society and religion.
Of course, I questioned him a lot as to me some things just did not seem justifiable in the religious domain. In the beginning the more I questioned Christianity, the less I understood. To me, Christianity was just like any other religion: You are forced to follow a long list of unjust rules. I couldn’t understand what, who or where ‘God’ was, but I did my best to respect the relationship and temporarily push all of that to one side.
————————————————————————————————————————————- After a couple of months of ignoring the fact that my current partner was strongly dedicated to his faith, I started to warm up the idea that maybe being Christian wasn’t so harmful at all.
During this time, I had been struggling with mental health so I decided to take a leap of faith and attend the church service that my partner regularly attended. It wasn’t so awful and everybody at church was kind, welcoming and friendly, which made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It was a beautiful thing to meet people who seemed to care.
So, I began attending church regularly with my partner, well when we weren’t too tired to get up early on a Sunday morning, but I still had my doubts about faith and beliefs. I am just content that I was truthful throughout the whole of the process. During this time, I wasn’t a believer in God, I just enjoyed the atmosphere of the Christian community. This mindset of mine continued for a few months and I didn’t think that anything would change my views.
And so I became a consistent participant of singing praise and worship songs that were a bit too long for my liking, and reflecting on my own selfish thoughts in a room of 200 other people who knew how to pray. I was as content as I could have been.
Before I could even begin to process how my life was already becoming more and more dissimilar, my older sister was involved in a fatal accident. The first person I felt the need to cry to was my new partner. He took my mind off the negatives over the course of a few weeks and whether he meant to, he was going out of his way to help me to recover. This included one night where everything around me transformed into a state of distortion, rapture and metamorphosis.
That night, whilst having a bath, my current mental state caused me to have an inevitable breakdown. I admit that holding my head underneath the water until beginning to lose consciousness is not the correct way to ‘feel something’, but I later found out that it is pretty much impossible to drown yourself- Anyway- My loud gasp for air and shrieks instigated my, probably now scarred for life, partner to run in, hoist me out of the bath and bring me to bed. I wept with my hands over my face, feeling out of control and severely troubled, so he started praying. I was completely comfortable and used to him praying out loud before bed, and especially this time I had no issue with him involving me. That night, he prayed for hours. He prayed for peace, healing and what not, and I just sat there… listening.
Time passed so quickly that night, and moments later I found myself standing outside in my back garden, no longer crying, breathing in that fresh 3am air and wondering how every anxiety I had been battling just seemed to disappear. Suddenly I was completely clear about issues that I had been having great difficulty deciding on. There was no dwelling, no anxiety, and no tears. I immediately called my best friend on the phone- “Please don’t laugh at me… But I think God has just saved me…” And surprisingly, she understood. She was happy for me.
The next time I ever felt a feeling like that was about 4 months later. Once again, I was battling my mental health, and I ended up on the doorstep of my boyfriend’s family-friend. In those 4 months, I had begun to study Christianity in more depth; looking closer into Biblical scriptures for inspiration and virtuous life in general. So, turning up on this poor lady’s doorstep at midnight did not make me feel like a burden, as I truly believed that I had been sent to her for a reason.
During my time there, we spoke for an hour or so progressing deeper into conversation about faith and Christianity. Just as I thought I had finally begun to understand my testimony and my journey with God, a euphoric feeling swept through me. I had to take a moment to myself, outside. I stood on the flat balcony and reflected on every single event that had happened in the build up to this moment. Then I just spoke to God- Confidently and aloud. It was unlike any other time where I had tried to pray- I knew that he could hear me. I explained to him that I could see clearly now. I felt saved. He listened intently and I sensed his delight. He was proud of me.
Monday 28th November 2016 Sascha-Emmy Breaux